i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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