I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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