i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
