I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
