Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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