I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
