If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
