Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
