On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
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