I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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