You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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