I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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