I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
As shirtless as possible
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
