worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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