now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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