I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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