This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
