My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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