When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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