Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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