I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
