You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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