Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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