The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..