Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
