i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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