I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
