I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
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