Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
