I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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