I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Ladies don't puke and tell
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
