Even the bartender felt bad for me
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
