I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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