She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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