According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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