I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
