god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
