please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
