anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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