WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
