Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Send help, water and tortillas.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Randomize
