This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
