wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
