My Higher Power is John Stamos
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
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