i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
