Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
