I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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