Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
