Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
My balls are so social today.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
