Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
