i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
