i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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