dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
you never un-have a 4some
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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