I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
