Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
