Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
