Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
