Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
