omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
